I used to be the girl that liked everything "my way."
I wasted so much energy trying to ensure everything went according to plan.
I thought that if everything fit into this picturesque experience, then shitty things wouldn't happen, and that life would stay comfortable.
It led me down the road of controlling just about every single part of my life.
I thought this would bring me more comfort, and in reality it did the opposite. It brought me more stress and more anxiety. And when things didn't go according to plan, more struggle & disappointment.
This is a very masculine way of being. When in the shadow's of the masculine, humans seek to control everything around. This is a protection mechanism. We do this as humans to avoid pain, to avoid the unexpected, to avoid abandonment, to avoid loss, and so many other feelings & experiences. We do this to keep ourselves safe.
We as humans learn from our past experiences and put up walls & protection mechanisms to avoid future pain. This way of being prevents us from growth & expansion because it holds us back from experiencing life.
The key is to balance the masculine with the feminine. The feminine way of being, in the light embodies ease, flow, optimal listening & intuition (yes, men... you ALL have aspects of the feminine within you.)
When both are in balance we have the ability to make a plan, and create some structure all while going with the flow and responding to whatever the universe throws our way.
As a child I experienced a significant amount childhood trauma & unpleasant experiences. This led me to lean so much into my masculine in efforts to protect myself by the walls I put up around me. Those walls led me to control. Leaning into my feminine meant leaning into the unknown. It meant leaning into the potential of experiencing unpleasant feelings. It meant having a plan but being okay with things NOT going according to plan. It meant going with the flow and figuring it out as I went. It meant embracing the discomfort, fully.
Going with the flow scared me...
"What if things went wrong?"
"What if I looked like an idiot?"
"What if I got hurt?"
I started to understand that through the mess, the mistakes, and the unexpected, I experienced the most amount of healing & exponential growth. Growth isn't always comfortable, but it's always life changing.
So I started easing more into my feminine, being okay with not knowing, being okay with not being okay, and leaning more into the discomfort.
To better embody this shift into the feminine, I started living my life in ways that purposefully put me in uncomfortable experiences to build my window of tolerance.
Window of tolerance is a term first coined by Dr. Dan Siegel, used to describe a person’s optimal zone of arousal, in which one is able to process, function, and respond most effectively, with the most ease. This is the middle zone between hypoarousal & hyperarousal (parasympathetic & sympathetic, aka rest & digest & fight or flight.) In this zone we are able to self-regulate, fully experience our emotions & stay present and engaged in life.
This window of tolerance is different for everyone. Stress, trauma & challenging events narrow this window of tolerance. Things like somatic healing, mindfulness & other practices support in widening that window of tolerance through reducing the impact of trauma. These types of practices train our nervous system to be able to tolerate more and stay within that zone of tolerance where we are able to optimally function & engage with the world.
I began throwing myself into uncomfortable situations to widen this window of tolerance and engaging in more mindfulness practices to support my body in staying within this zone of tolerance.
These are some ways I have widened my zone of tolerance.
1. Breathwork (holotropic & deep diving breathwork specifically)
2. Cold Shower & Cold Plunging
4. Solo Travel
5. Doing things that scare me like rock climbing, long boarding, hiking alone, surfing, and backpacking, to name a few.
6. Subconscious reprogramming through storywork (this has been one of the most influential in widening my zone of tolerance)
We learn the most when we can push our limits within the zone of tolerance. It's important to have tools to support your nervous system in fining a sense of calm if that zone of tolerance is pushed too far.
Some of those calming activities can include
1. diaphragmatic breathing (belly breathing)
2. Drinking something warm
3. Moving your body
4. Shaking out excess energy
5. Calming music
&& many more
I work with my clients to help them integrate these tools as they down regulate (reduce the intensity of) their bodies responses to past experiences, memories & trauma so they can grow & expand in every aspect of their life.
The more I was able to heal my mind & my body through such tools to keep me within this zone of tolerance, the more I was able to shift out of my masculine and let go of the control, express my feminine qualities, ease into a less stressful way of being and embrace the uncomfortable aspects of life.
Are you ready to find more balance between your masculine & feminine qualities, calm your nervous system, reduce your pain, let go of the trauma stored in your body, reprogram your subconscious mind, and gain more out of life?
If so, contact me HERE!
Id love to chat & learn more about your current challenges & your biggest goals.
Sending you love
P.S. Leave a comment below & let me know what your biggest takeaway was!