The deepest of human desires is for connection. The ability to be vulnerable, to offer ones essence entirely, to share our values and what is most important to us… connection cracks us open. It shines light on some of the darkest areas of our being so that we can become more aware of the areas we get to continue making growth. This is a dance that we cannot accomplish alone. It is through others in which we are challenged to go deeper within ourselves.
I believe true, healthy, divine union is the most vulnerable we can get in life. Such generous vulnerability opens up a portal of interconnection that allows both the giver & receiver to be inspired, to be nourished & to be healed, if they so choose.
2021 brought me this kind of healthy, safe, vulnerable connection. It brought me a love that I have forever longed for. I always believed it existed, but I was blocked from experiencing it for myself.
Growing up I never witnessed healthy love. My parents never loved one another, they both will tell you they had children to try to save their marriage. I don’t blame them. I have made peace with my childhood on many fronts. However, it set me off on this search in my life for love. I craved it. I wanted to know what it felt like to feel fully loved, fully seen, to be fully heard, and to feel completely safe with a partner. I have in the past compared my search for true love to the book “are you my mother” by P.D. Eastman; not fully sure what I was looking for, but looking high and low for it.
I am a Leo. I am a passionate lover that wears her heart on her sleeve. I love to love, and I love to share my love. I have had many short term partners through out my life, all of which I have shared my love with. But I always craved more. I desired a more conscious relationship, one that went deep, one that brought healing, that changed me to my core, and that changed the way I understood relationships.
A few years ago I came to the understanding that the only way I was going to attract this love was if I fully expressed it myself. This is where my work came in. We as humans are mirrors for what we want in life. If you want it, you must fully be it yourself. So I set out on a deep healing journey and it started with a solo move across the country (with Chloe the cat of course.)
For those of you that don’t know, I moved across the country Friday March 13th, 2020, the Friday before Quarantine began. I really didn’t know anyone here in Los Angeles and for close to a year it posed VERY challenging to meet new people. I persevered, I knew going home wasn’t an option for me. When people ask me why I moved across the country, the truth is my heart called me here. I knew 2 things. One) California was going to be where I found myself. Where I unraveled the conditioned beliefs engrained into me since childhood. I knew it was going to be the place where I came to understand who I was in this life. And Two) I knew that there was a lover waiting for me here, particularly by the coastline that was going to change my entire life. I can’t tell you how I knew, I just did. There is a song called “coastline” by Hollow Coves that I stumbled across a few years ago that became my mantra before moving across the country. My first year in California I would drive to the beach, and sit in the sand listening to this song on repeat as I sobbed, as I felt, as I released and as I dreamed.
2020 was rough, but every time I heard this song I knew it was all going to be okay. I would be lying to you if I said I never thought about going home… I did… it just wasn’t an option for me. 2020 was a really challenging year, I dove deep into myself, into my childhood trauma, into my limiting beliefs, and into my fears. I ripped myself apart so that I could piece myself back together with a stronger foundation and with a greater sense of safety. It wasn’t easy but I wanted to heal, I wanted to rid myself of the anxiety, depression, sadness & negativity that ran much of my life. I did the work. As I started approaching 1 (really weird) year of living in California, I started feeling the presence of another person walking towards me. I would sit on the beach and listen to “Coastline” feeling this beautiful energy approaching me & my life. I said it to people around me, “someone is walking towards me, he’s going to change my life, he’s close, I feel him coming.” I was right.
Almost exactly 1 year after moving to California, and a year after writing a very detailed list of the qualities & values I desire in a partner… I met Eric. It was clear very quickly that there was something incredibly special about our energetic connection. He felt like home; a feeling & an experience I always yearned for.
Eric was the man that changed me as a woman. He taught me so much about how to love, how to push past my fears, how to try new things, how to trust, and how to dream bigger. He inspired me more than any human ever has. He reminded me that I could do hard things, and taught me how to keep myself safe. He added a level of awareness to my life in entirely new ways.
More than anything Eric taught me how to live so fully present in the moment. It was what made our love different. From day 1 Eric was transparent with me about his plans to circumnavigate the globe alone in his sailboat. A journey that would take a minimum of 3 years. Not many humans embark on such a journey.
Being so in love with a man that was leaving was a roller coaster of an experience, especially for someone with a history of deep abandonment wounds. It would have been easy to walk away. But I knew he was here to change my life. I knew that he was here to help me heal, and I knew that regardless of how long we were together, or what happened when he left, I knew that I wanted to love him.
As humans, we seek to control because ultimately we have none. We try to create feelings of safety around us by controlling the outcomes. When we release that control the love we find within ourselves and the love we can radiate outwardly intensifies and penetrates deeper. Sometimes I even question marriage, wondering if we seek that comfort & control through it.
The truth is only the universe is in complete control of the outcomes. The truth is that nothing is permanent. Anything can change at any moment.
Lately I’ve been sitting with the term unconditional love. I think it is usually interpreted as a love that is forever, one that is steady & unbreakable. I think to love unconditionally is to love without conditions; to let go of all control. To understand that there are many unknowns, and to love regardless. To be fully accepting that time is infinite & nonexistent simultaneously and to understand that love knows no time. I think to be able to fully & unconditionally love, you must be fully connected & fully present in the moment and yet also completely unattached to any plan, expectation, or outcome. Forever does not exist. And to love is to enter into an understanding that you could lose, and you would be completely okay with that. I think THAT is when you can be fully present with your love for another human.
It takes incredible vulnerability & complete surrender to love unconditionally. To unconditionally love is to share the deepest parts of your being with another person trusting fully that they will see you, and being okay with it if they don’t. To unconditionally love is to face your shadows and commit to not turning away. It is to allow your partner to shine light on some of your darkest corners, calling it love, and choosing to use that light to grow. I think the more we trust, and the more open we keep our hearts, the more we understand another because we don’t just see them & hear them, we feel them. I think to fully understand another is to fully feel them, hear them & see them in all their light & all their shadows.
“With you I feel safe.
Safe to be, safe to need, safe to stay.
I feel my wounds healing.
Deep wounds that were waiting for your medicine.
With you I am not too much, but more than enough.
With you I can play, dream, and express.
I didn’t expect to fall for you, but knew pretty quickly.
Your touch like pure magic, your embrace like home.
You have shined the sun in places of darkness.
You have shown me that it is okay to love.
You have shown me that I can love and be loved.
With you I feel safe”
An entry from my journal on 4/1/21
After 8 of the most connected and most beautiful months I have ever shared with another human being, At the end of 2021 the relationship ended extremely abruptly. Out of left field; I didn’t see it coming. It wasn’t mutual by any means. He wanted to explore his feelings for another woman, and he deserved to! At first you can imagine this one hurt pretty bad. And trust me, the first 2 weeks post breakup was the worst heartache i’ve ever felt. But I never once felt anger, resentment, or jealousy. Part of me wanted to feel that, but I literally couldn’t.
Eric brought nothing into my life other than positive experiences. I am so grateful for his presence in my life. He helped me heal parts of myself that really needed a safe space. He taught me what it was like to fully trust, to fully love, and to completely allow another human to fully support me. I had never fully trusted someone like that before. Ive never been so comfortable & safe around a man that I was actually able to fully express my feminine side. He supported me as I learned to step into my power as a woman.
For me it wasn’t about the length of time we spent together, but the ways in which we supported one another during that time. Eric & I crossed paths to help each other heal. Together, we mended our hearts, and shared more passion than either of us knew could exist between 2 energetic bodies. We taught each other how to be seen and heard, and taught each other how to feel fully supported. I taught him how to come home to himself, how to trust himself & how to love himself. I taught him how to walk forwards in life leading with his heart; I taught him how to lead with love. Those are my superpowers in this lifetime.
It was so hard watching him walk away. It was the hardest & most painful goodbye i’ve ever made. But I was okay with it. Okay because I had so much love for him as a human, that I wanted him to have that unconditional love, regardless of who it was with. And if it wasn’t with me, then I knew he deserved to have that with another person. And okay with it because I deserve for my partner to choose me, over and over... and if he wasn't sure he wanted to choose me, he didn't deserve me any longer.
“You are not your thoughts; you are aware of your thoughts. You are not your emotions’ you feel your emotions. You are not your node’ you look at it in the mirror and experience this world through tis eyes & ears. You are the conscious being who is aware that you are aware of all the inner and outer things.” - Michael A Singer, the untethered soul.
I realized through this experience that I had come to understand enlightenment through love. I was able to observe myself having the feelings without judgement and without clinging to any particular experience or outcome. It is to feel everything fully and also let it go. Enlightenment is to be fully open, to allow all of your walls to come down while being aware & fully experiencing the moment. It is to feel so much pain and to face it with only love. My old self would have been angry, jealous, felt like it was unfair... but those feelings came from a very hurt and very insecure woman. That woman is no longer who I am.
Eric taught me to be happy in the present moment, regardless of what the future brings. To hold my heart so fully open, and trust that the universe was always there supporting me. There are so many unknowns in life. Our love story was one of them. When we focus on the unknowns, it removes us from fully experiencing the present moment. Nothing is promised other than right now, this exact moment. The only thing we truly have is the present.
Fear of the unknown can hold you back from some of the most beautiful experiences life has to offer you. With Eric, I wasn’t willing to choose fear over love.
The day before he broke things off, I posted about our relationship on social media. The last thing I wrote was “I don’t know where life will take us together and independently, but what I do know is that your presence has changed me. Your presence has changed my entire life”
Eric was one of the most magnificent people to have ever walked into my life. And he certainly wont be the last. The beautiful things is that now, I get to manifest more incredible humans because i’m aware of what those relationships look like & feel like.
You have the ability to bring into your life exactly what you desire. The law of attraction states that like attracts like. Everything in the universe is made of energy. Your thoughts & beliefs have a frequency of their own which you send out into the universe.
The universe in return, responds to these vibrations and sends you back exactly what you put out there. Every positive or negative event situation or person that you come across every day is not just happening to you... its the universal response to the energy YOU put out.
What is it that you are seeking in life? Is it a person, an experience, a feeling? You can completely manifest that into your life. How?
Eric came into my life because I called him in. I knew what I was looking for and I did the work to be an energetic match for him. If you want something bigger & better, you have to be willing to be it yourself! For me I wanted to attract a life changing lover into my life, so I did the work.
Thats the thing… it takes doing the work. It takes changing your stories, words you use & limiting beliefs, it takes addressing the feelings & emotions from the past, and it takes creating a sense of safety within yourself. It takes a strong mindset and a high vibrating energy to attract those high vibration experiences.
Doing the work isn’t easy, but its always worth it.
You can have everything you desire.
I hope my story of love, loss & growth inspires you to want more. I hope it inspires you to look deeper within yourself and to do the work. I hope it proves to you that you are worthy of love and that through love you can heal your fears. I hope it inspires you to do the challenging & uncomfortable things. And above all, I hope it inspires you to start attracting exactly what you want into your life. The universe is always supporting you.
If you are ready to do the work to feel this type of unconditional love, if you are ready to bring in the partner, to attract the friends, the business success, or the life that you are ready for, contact me here and tell me you are ready for growth. We can jump on a free call and talk about how I can support you through your healing & growth journey.